2026 Apr 06

i am actually bawling right now...

only a couple minutes ago as of writing this, the artemis ii crew proposed names for two currently unnamed craters, 1) integrity, named after the name of their crew’s orion capsule, and 2) after reid’s late wife, Carroll.

i just lost it man, there was no holding back. it was beautiful. jeremy was the one communicating these proposals with Houston, and it was clear he was having a rough time getting the words out. and the other crew members, at least reid and christina (i could barely see victor) were visibly shedding tears. then they shared a sweet group hug.

godspeed artemis ii.





2026 Apr 04

as of today, I have a few major goals I want to achieve in life. roughly in order (may have some overlap. subject to change), they are:
  1. graduate with my BS in EE (in progress)
  2. move out on my own; be independent
  3. watch artemis iv launch in person (highlight of my life, perhaps?)
  4. earn my private pilots license
  5. graduate with my BS in physics
  6. earn a PhD in physics, probably astrophysics
along with some other goals that cant really be placed in a chronological list, like get treatment for mental health, find love, get that bread, etc.

i am generally not a big planner type person, historically ive been more “go with the flow”, but i feel having these goals helps out. they are large enough and mildly vague that i dont have to worry about the specifics of them right now.

i’ve been working on my BS for about 5 years now (i was doing part time for a while and i changed majors, gimme a break). ive been fairly committed to that, but i started going at it hard once i changed my major to EE and went full time. and part of the reason for it is to pipeline into my plan to finally move out on my own and be independent.

once im on my own, hopefully fairly soon after my spring 2027 graduation, i would like to be working on building my savings and getting more experience with social life and over adulthood. i’d like to go to pilots school to earn my PPL which will probably take me 6-12 months or so, and $10-15k. not entirely sure how big of a savings i’d be able to build during this time; i guess it will depend on how well i am getting paid and my living situation. i feel out of everything, this is my least concrete goal, especially since its a lot of hard work and money yet doesnt contribute much to my subsequent goals—its more of a hobbyist goal.

if all goes to plan, artemis IV, which will be the first manned moon landing since 1972, will launch mid-2028. if i am in a good place to do so financially, id love to be able to fly out to florida and be able to watch the launch of it live. given the goosebumps, emotions, and investment i’ve had with artemis ii, i can only imagine what seeing the launch of artemis iv will be for me. ive genuinely gotten teary eyed a few times during artemis ii lol—and they havent even made it to the moon yet as of writing this.

maybe starting spring 2028, id like to go back to school part time to earn my bachelors in physics, which will hopefully only take 2 years, and then use that to boost me into grad school. however, i may be able to get away with a post-baccalaureate to get into grad school—i’ll have to do more research into which is the smarter option for me. either way, id like to be in grad school maybe around 2030 or so.

anyway, grad school will be a several year long full time job, a shittily paid one no less. im not sure where i would want to go though, i think thats something i will determine after my BS phys/postbac since I will have a clearer idea of what exactly i want to do, which will govern where i will go. either way, i want to do research, and i want to make a true contribution to science.

after my phd, im not entirely sure. but thats roughly a decade into the future at this point so i think i have some time to think about it. i guess it also largely depends on what field i go into. though i feel id like to go intro industry instead of staying in academia.

among all of this, all i know for certain though is that i dont want to be stagnant. as much as i would love to finally have some free time, which i think i still will, i dont want to have no goals in life. i dont want to just work my 9-5 job, go home, eat, sleep, rinse, and repeat for the rest of my life. i want to keep striving towards something, i want to keep pushing myself to bigger and better things. 

what i really need to do though is focus more on the now. i keep finding myself fantasizing too much about my goals (like im doing right now) rather than actually focusing on achieving those goals right now. i procrastinate hella bad. im hoping my adhd evaluation soon will help out a lot with that along with regular psychiatry/therapy appointments.

ive been watching the artemis ii livestream all day man. often times theres not much going on, but its so cool to be able to listen in. the crew has done a few interviews with the media already which is a lot of fun to watch, but its also fun watching them float around the orion capsule doing work and communicating back and forth with the houston command center and such. there was also a neat little conference earlier; i was really into kelsey young, nasa’s science officer, because she seemed genuinely so passionate and so excited about answering peoples’ scientific questions. thats the kind of passion that really inspires me.

while the livestream has been on in the background, ive been trying to get my EM homework done all day. i ended up only getting one out of the two done… mostly because it was kinda difficult imo, but also largely because ive been too invested in this damn moon mission man lmao. ive just been struggling to stay fully focused on my homework.

p.s. oh yeah btw i forgot to mention i got the internship! got the offer letter yesterday morning. that means i dont gotta worry about doing nothing over the summer! and looks like the offer extends out after the summer is over, so i can even stay working there if i wanted during the next semester. im not sure if ill do it yet, but it would definitely be nice to have a consistent income during school along with gaining more real-world experience.







2026 Apr 02

for as much as i listen and think about music, i feel like i should be a musician. lately ive been bingeing tf out of TOPS. ive also listened to some of their stuff under the name “silly kissers” which is so silly, but the music slaps pretty hard (edit: ok by "their" i mean jane penny and david carriere. i thought the third person was also in TOPS but i guess not). they only have one short album, and the production seems pretty low quality, but its got such a sweet charm to it. i dont know how to explain it.

as for TOPS though, ive been listening for close to a year at this point. first song i heard was pirouette and i was hooked immediately. that song i think will forever slap. the only song i like better than that one i think would be “too much” off the same album. i recently started listening to their debut album, tender opposites, a lot more too…. cant believe ive been sleeping on it for so long!!!

listening to a little classical right now. i am not a huge classical fan by any means, but i have a smallish playlist with pieces i fw. though dimitri shostakovic has almost ruined the rest for me, hes just that good. i found i mostly enjoy heavier pieces though, mostly allegro and the like.

artemis ii launched yesterday!!!!!! watched it live and i was getting goosebumps man. ive been following artemis ii for like 2 years now i think, its awesome they finally launched! godspeed to the astronauts and every single person involved in the project.

i still cant decide on grad school or not. i mean… i probably shouldnt even decide yet, its too early. my plan right now is to finish my BS in EE (one year left!) and then hopefully go back part time shortly after to get my BS in physics while working full time in engineering. and theeeeen after that is when i would enroll in a phd program if i decide i still want to.

idk, just something about it feels like its calling to me, you know? i know its going to be many years of hair pulling misery with barely enough $$$ to get by, but besides that, i think it would be so cool to contribute to science, answering questions that have never been answered before. i think research would be dope. but im honestly probably romanticizing it. im not sure. like said, i probably shouldnt even be deciding yet, its way too far down the line.

a few days ago i had an interview at my moms work for an engineering internship. ive applied for several internships and havent heard back from anyone. but my mom was able to talk to her work and nudge them towards opening a summer intern position. so i applied and interviewed. i did almost nothing for the 24+ hours prior to the interview except for prepare for it. i studied and practiced. the day of i paced our coffee table for literal hours just talking and rehearsing out loud. but i think it was worth it. i somehow did very well in the interview. despite being nervous as hell, i didnt really show it and i was able to answer their questions pretty well as well as ask a lot of good questions. afterwards apparently the main interviewer (out of 4), the one who would be my boss, had told one of his employees that im a genius???? i genuinely have no idea what i did during the interview to be deserving of the same title as sir albert einstein, but ill gladly take it. but yeah, given that and given the other (limited) intel ive gotten from my mom, i think the internship is mine.

the internship will be huge for me. without it, my summer would probably be doing absolutely nothing. maybe some part time gig if i could score one, but i feel that would be unlikely. there are no classes i could take over the semester that would count towards my degree. the only exceptions to that, if you consider them “classes”, are internships and research. i would definitely consider research if the internship was off the table, but im not sure how hard it would be to get a professor/researcher to accept you as a researcher (or RA? im not sure what it would be) for the summer. its also not paid, which sucks.

with the internship i get 1) college credit, 2) real experience, 3) a possible in at a company down the line, and 4) that bread. im very excited about the bread because im lowkey pretty broke rn.

im currently writing this while im procrastinating lol. of course i am. im trying to get my probability & stats hw done but i kinda hit a wall. its interesting stuff but im so done. this semester has drained me, and i cannot wait for it to be over. 2 and a half weeks…. 

a few weeks ago i had my first doctors appointment in several years. it was a virtual appt with a new doctor discussing adhd eval. unfortunately he said he doesnt really diagnose adhd, so he referred me to one of his psychiatrist colleagues… and that means i need to wait another 1.5 months to get evaluated :(. at least im making progress though. i really think a diagnosis and treatment will help me out so much. i feel on paper i look like im doing pretty well for myself—ive always gotten pretty good grades (mostly), i had a good job with coworkers who loved me for some reason. but brother id be lying if i said it didnt feel like an internal struggle every single day. and it only feels like its getting worse.

maybe ill try to get back into writing more again. i like it. i can just type whatever comes to mind. so much better than my writing class that stresses me out like no other. i dont have to worry about sounding proper.

toodles. i think im gonna crash and finish my prob & stats hw in the morning (thats code for im procrastinating as much as possible). buh bye now





2026 Jan 26

i am feeling pretty lazy today. i wanted to get up early, go donate plasma, and then go to school to study for a few hours before my 3 pm class. i did originally get up and out of bed at 6:30, but soon went back to bed and got up 2 hours later. and now im still home, writing this! i think after this i will actually get up and get ready and leave.

i’m not a big movie watcher, never really have been. most of the movies i watch are with family. but i did recently, by myself, rewatch one of my favorites! tokyo drift. such a great movie dude. every time i watch it i have to refrain myself from buying a rwd car.

speaking of, i reaaaaally want a miata. theres so cute and small and they seem like so much fun. i currently have a newer civic si, which is fun as hell dont get me wrong. but its fwd, has an electronic parking brake, has annoying rev hang, and has several other annoying features. theres been a few times where a car in front of me is turning, so i brake and slow down, but when they are most of the way through the turn i start speeding up. i can see that it is safe to speed up and then im at no risk of hitting the turning car. but my car, being the baby it is, likes to slam on my brakes for me. lovely :). maybe miatas, at least newer ones, have similar issues, im not sure. but i still really want one! if anything i want it for the fact that its such a small car. i hate large vehicles. i daily drove an f150 for about 4 years and it sucked, so i went out and bought me a tiny little ’99 subie. his name was cornelius. such a fun car, i miss it.

im currently obsessed with a musician named Clark Rainbow. shes like pinkpantheress, who is also one of my favorites, but better? theres a part in her song “Care” where the beat stops but she continues singing, but then the beat continues so smoothly. i dont know why but that part gets me every time, i love it so much. i think its just how smooth the beat starts up again, it works so well.

i’ve also gotten back into Nightwish again. they are probably my all time #1 favorite. they were my spotify #1 for two years in a row, and theres a good possibility they will be #1 again this year. recently, like a week or so ago, i actually heard something ive never heard before that introduced me to some more bangers. in their album Endless Forms Most Beautiful, they have a song called Greatest Show on Earth. is a 24 minute song. absolutely fantastic. but i was listening to the instrumental version of it, and at the very very end there is a lyrics, i think spoken by the songwriter, Tuomas, that says “It never seems to occur to people that a man might just want to write a piece of music.” which is apparently a quote from a 20th century composer, Ralph Vaughan Williams in regards to his 6th symphony. so i checked out this 6th symphony. and that shit is fire. its so good. its been in my top 5 tracks for this last week on spotify